Do you ever wonder if you are too focused? Or that your target isn't what you should be shooting for in the first place? Doing your best, being your best, growth and becoming better. These have been my foci as long as I can remember. But ya know, I am kind of tired of thinking that way. I have come to a point in my life where just being me takes more energy than I "think" I have. But I wonder if its not that I don't have energy but because I am not putting the most important things first and the things that matter the least are sucking my valuable energy.
Ever since Maia was born, life has been a transition. Which is to be expected, there is no going back to "normal" as your family grows. It is all about a new normal. Just like a growing garden, it is in a constant yet regular state of change. However, what is coming to my realization is that I am not doing those things that I did regularly before Maia was born and I haven't really refit my consistency with the change that has occurred. Its like using the same recipe that serves 3 and not increasing it to suit the needs of an extra guest, so who suffers and sacrifices when there is not enough for the guest? The host, of course.
Growing up in the south and living very near to my beloved grandmother, I witnessed virtually weekly her gracious and generous hosting. And there were ALWAYS extra guests. And if my memory serves me correctly, there was always enough. And she enjoyed her guests. She always made more than enough and even had plenty of leftovers to send home with us. That is who I want to be, and I need to put more preparation in becoming that person...
Which brings me right back to my initial question, am I focusing too much on doing more and being better? Frankly, I don't know how NOT to. But its a question running thru my head. Am I relying too much on the arm of the flesh and not on the the Lord? Am I bearing burdens alone and not asking for the promised help of the Lord? I'm not sure. I am sure am trying though.
Earlier this year, I listened to a prompting that told me to get up before my children (at 6:30 am) and read my scriptures but my daughter, Olivia would always wake up with me. That said, she did do well at letting me read and it was a positive experience because she has developed a love and abiding interest in the scriptures but it kind of undermines the whole "get up before your kids and prepare for the day" thing. Which, of course, is less motivating to get up, day after day after interrupted night. So do I need to get up earlier? Or maybe I can just read after they go to bed since we just changed bedtime from 8pm to 6:30 pm (a dream come true let me tell you!)
I guess maybe I am just feeling burned out and feel like I am spinning my wheels a bit. Being a mother is so demanding, I am the one who sets the tone for our home and if I am in a bad mood, EVERYONE else is in a bad mood. If I am sleepy, I just have to push thru it till night and hope for an uninterrupted night. I don't want to whine, I love being a mom and I'd never ever change it but I am feeling stretched and its not comfortable. Then to even begin thinking and planning for a third child, homeschooling and life changes upon graduation...phew..its alot. I wonder if I am equal to this, I wonder how ANY woman has ever been equal to such demands and these are GOOD things I am talking about. A new baby, teaching one's children and college graduation are things that we dream and get excited about as little Mia Maids and Laurels. Amazing how the fruition of our dreams can be overwhelming and feel almost suffocating, isn't it?
I suppose I just have to strap on the old joy bag and do my best and rely on the Lord on plug ahead, bringing me back to my initial question....
