LOVE MORE

Me. Olivia. Firstborn. Sweetheart. Pure of heart. Lovely. Lively. Learning. Growth. Struggle. Confusion. Guilt. Increased Hormones. Push. Pull. Deep breaths. Many prayers. Forgiveness.

My motto as we enter into this new territory of puberty and "tween"-ness is simple to love more.

I was listening to this podcast a few days ago and it was just what I needed to hear. I would be lying myself straight into outer darkness if I said that I feel like I am currently serving as an effective parent to this little vision of beauty, goodness and smarts. We drive each other to distraction, irritation, insanity and a heaping dose of angry. But you know what? By some merciful act by the Almighty we still love each other.

We don't know what the confounded peaches to do with one another but we love each other. We are getting in magnanimous practice at forgiveness and learning to practice calm reactions when we really want to scream our eyeballs bloodshot with rage and haywire hormones. Somehow, we got offtrack during bedtime tonight, at first all was going all shipshape, and then it went south all quick like. I commenced with a lecture and she began crying. I left the room as a grumpy mommy dragon and sat down at the computer, feeling guilty for not having just let things roll off my back.

I didn't know what to do to put things right. I considered asking for advice from some online friends. It felt no good. I got onto Pinterest--yeah right. And then I remembered the podcast..."LOVE MORE". So, I went to her room, got under her covers, gathered her into my arms and told her that I loved her. I told her that I was learning how to be good mother to a 9.5 year old- that I have never done this before. I told her that our relationship was growing up because she was. I told her I was growing up too.

 I told her that we were learning how to argue AND how to make up --always make up-- because we love each other. I told her that we weren't always going to know what to do nor would be feel like being loving in the midst of being upset with each other but that was when we both needed it the most--that we needed to LOVE MORE.  I promised her that I would pray and ask Heavenly Father every night to teach me how to love her and be a good mother her.  I asked her if she would pray and ask Him to teach her how to love her mother and continue how to be a daughter of God. She said she would. I kissed her head,  the head that still smells like it did when she was a little newborn, and told her I loved her and said goodnight.

 LOVE MORE--ask for help and guidance to always LOVE MORE. You know, I am making a vinyl project out of this. Right? One for her room and one for the kitchen over the stairs. We can do this. We can LOVE MORE.

Batten down the hatches

I was thinking about my questions this morning. I feel the need to edit them. I am focusing on two.

They are:

1) What do you need to THRIVE?

 Once again, I got this from a video snippet from the Power of Moms website. I went to bed and woke up pondering my questions from the previous post but this question kept resurfacing. I'd lay there thinking of what the other questions were and this would come without my needing to search for it.Thus my shift in focus.

 I think it'd be the ultimate therapy to have someone who really cares for me to ask me to answer this question. It may just be me and a personal appreciation for acknowledgement, concern and just plain having someone be interested in my needs but I would get a huge boost from being asked this. So, I am decided that since this question stalwartly stayed with me at bedtime and upon waking that the Lord (who loves me more and best of all) was asking me this question. He wanted me to answer this question, He wanted to listen to my answers and He wanted me to move forward knowing He'd be there to succor and encourage as I went about striving for thriving.

2) Before you can move on, what do you need to learn well?

Okay, now for the real. I am embarrassed to admit this mostly because I feel foolish. But I was writing in my hardcopy journal this morning and I went back to read a few entries. I realized that some things that I were needling me three years ago were still needling me! And thus we see a huge hit to my pride. I consider myself a fast learner and, at first,  I was disgruntled with myself for still wrestling with the same concerns. But then I realized that maybe this is my season of learning how to be a good wrestler. It takes years for professional athletes to become excellent and they do it by consistently improving on the basics and mastering the fundamentals. Although humbled, I feel less chagrined with my discovery.

It feels goods to edit, doesn't it? I love the relief of simplifying. It gives you so much more freedom to grow without self-inflicted stress. This is my time of life where my kids and I are in a constant stages of growth. Why wouldn't I need to batten down the hatches and hang on for the ups and downs and expect nothing but the unexpected. I think mommy brains long for the expected much too much and that leads to us getting all frustrated and getting in our own way. I like what Sister Hinckley said in this regard.

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
 
I like that it makes me view life thru a new perspective. I can batten down the hatches knowing the storm of life may toss me to and fro but I also knowing that I can thrive in the midst of life's tousles. I kind of like that.
So, let me go gather some stylish galoshes, throw on my trusty poncho and gird myself with some trusty tools that will aid me in my quest to thrive...no matter the weather.

Answering the Right Questions

If I am being real (and I find great comfort in woman to woman "realness"), I would have to say that I have felt like I am clawing my way up a mountain without using proper gear and wits to get up the mountain in a less arduous, "dirt in your nails" sort of way. This reminds me of a fun college memory. I was going on a date. It was going to be fun, group outing and the guys were planning it. They didn't tell us where we were going nor what we should wear. So, my roommate and I got our girlinesses all gussied up and the guys arrived. They told us to put on different shoes. Did your sense of intrigue just peak and a looming sense of  "uh oh" enter your gut? The same happened to us. It was just before sunset. The guys had gotten us all Happy Meals and we headed toward the "Y".

I was a sophmore at BYU at this point and had never hiked the "Y". (Shh, I have lived in Utah for 16 yrs and have yet to do it still.) They parked. We got out. I could see the "Y" right above my head but I saw no trail at least not in the direction we went. I don't know whose idea this was but the guys were so nice so I went along with it but THERE WAS NO TRAIL. Just dirt and rocks and a steep incline. To get up, I had to CLAW my fingers into the dirt and grip and grapple over boulders. It started to drizzle. I am a Afro-Turkish Native American girl with black girl hair. Drizzle + black girl hair = a frizzy, drowned rat sort of coiffure. And no matter the language you say it in, it results in unlikely beauty.


I don't know how long we went. The sun had  just set. The sparkle of the Provo night scene began to illuminate the post twilight sky behind our backs and my hair was a frizzified puffball but I was bound and determined to be tough and charming because the guys were really just so sweet and nice. Someone suggested we stop and sit on this big boulder. The guys had planned a super cool date in theory. Hike the "Y" and eat Happy Meals by the grandeur of the day's resplendent end. However, our timing was off and we failed to use the trail to get us to our journey's end so as to avoid dirt in our nails and arrive in time for sunset.

Back to my being real,  I think I ,somehow, got off  my mommy trail (it was probably to take a nap or maybe go potty by myself uninterrupted) and have found myself clawing my way up my mothering mountain. I know I talk alot about mothering but hey that is what I do...ALL THE TIME...especially since I homeschool. Now, I know that what I am doing for my family is significant and I know I am doing the right thing for us in the homeschooling arena BUT I have been increasingly asking and searching for certain "Y's".

"Y" am I doing what I am doing?
"Y" is this or isn't this working for me?
"Y" is my joy quotient running dangerously low?
"Y" am I feeling less and less like the real me?


For me, it is becoming more about answering the right questions, I think. I came across a question in an article titled The Beauty of Doing What Can Only Be Done Now on the Power of Mom's website.It really struck me.  It was this,



“Before I can be ready for more, what do I need to learn to do well?”

The author then went on to say that she made a list of about 20 habits and skills that could develop in harmony with her current responsibilities and family situation. And then she started working on them.

So, at the end of her article she asked, 

"QUESTION: What, in your life, can only be done right now?
CHALLENGE: Identify 10 habits and skills that would benefit your whole family if you were to focus on them right now.  Then make those habits and skills a central part of your life."

That article then linked to another. 
Which then asked another question.
 

QUESTION: Are you getting what YOU need out of motherhood? What do you enjoy doing the most with your children? Are you doing what you enjoy as much as you can and should?
CHALLENGE: Decide on one thing you will do (or NOT do) to create more space for really enjoying motherhood this week.

These are the right questions for me to begin to ask myself and a jumping off place for me to sharpen my saw and find the right answers to the right questions. I'd be unreal if I said that I get tired just thinking about the activational energy it will take for me to be diligent in even answering one of these questions. But, I KNOW it is better than clawing my way up the side of a mountain :)

Mothering Pearl of the Day: Remember your Territory

I wanted to write this down because if I learn, remember and practice this then my frustration level as a mother will decrease rapidly. You all know this because ya'll are smart. It is this--

If you find yourself asking your children to do things over and over and over again, just get in there and do it with them. You may think they know how to do something, perhaps they should be able to do it alone, but that doesn't matter. Just get in there and work with them. Enjoy it. Take the time to -re-teach, re-train, re-connect even. ;) That reconnect is in there because you don't want to go in there with your mommy guns blazing. This should be a positive experience.

I am going to work at this for the next little bit. I want this little tidbit to influence the way I interact with my daughters. Motherhood is repetition. It is easy to forget this when you feel like you have been teaching 3 and 4 year olds how to clean their room and stay on task for at least 647 years.

They aren't likely to learn this skill by absorption or even thru the sterling example of an older sibling. This sort of thing is momma teaching territory. I just need a personal assistant to remind me of all my territories. They are getting so extensive and energy intensive I am starting to forget some of the oldie but goodies .I guess that is why the Spirit is so useful in mothering.

Hurrah for the Spirit! So, remember this the next time you saddle up, Mommas! Remember all your territories :)