In the trenches

Today, I thought I was surviving the battle to only find myself weakened and found very lacking. I simply feel like I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am trying so hard only to find myself in a weaker state. I don't know what else to do. So, tomorrow morning, Kays is babysitting and I am off to the temple.

Activation Energy

Ok, I feel the need to just brainstorm my thoughts and feelings. So, we'll see any of this makes any sense. I've heard it said that a breakdown precedes a breakthru. Now I am not having a mental breakdown or what one might initially think of when you hear breakdown but there are major rumblings going on within. I feel the growing pains, I feel the need for greater light, less junk. I am particularly sick of all the junk. I am hungry, I am thirsty. I am tired, I am confused. I want to focus but feel like I have no time to do so. This reminds of me of a chemistry class (which I had to retake) in which my professor was explaining activation energy. It was a particular amount of energy to drive a chemical reaction/ a completion of making a chemical compound into fruition. And that is what I feel like is happening to me. Its time for me to grow more. Its time for me to increase but its gonna take some work, some serious acivation energy to bring this reaction to completion.

However, as J. Reuben Clark said, " The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us." So, I have to trust in that, remember that. I need to choose to be peaceful in that knowledge and not let any opposition cloud my focus. I do know who I am. I know where I am going. I know to whom I belong. I have a Savior and He knows me. He will never ever draw away from me. All I can do is do all I can to remain close to Him, to not offend my spirit nor the Spirit. I need to obey with exactness. I need to be still and do my part. A former good stake president of mine spoke words that continue to reverberate within me. He said, " Don't make choices that don't reflect who you really are." More than anything I do know who I am. I need to stand back and not get in my own way as a daughter of God. Being His daughter, makes me good. It makes me majestic, pure, humble and kind. It makes me powerful and always enough. It makes me compassionate. It allows me to be filled with charity, if I take upon myself that gift.

Ultimately, the truth is that the Lord knows the way because HE IS THE WAY. He is my only chance for successfully negotiating mortality. His atonement makes available all of the power, peace, light and strength to deal with life's challenges-those ranging from our on sins/mistakes to trials over which we have no control, but still feel pain.

Its time for me to study 1 Nephi 17. The account of Nephi building the ship and the Lord's preparing Lehi and his family for another part of their journey in the wilderness in prepartion for the promised land. And that needs to my focus for now, perhaps this is a time for me to sojourn in the wilderness so that when it is time for me to arrive at the promised land I will be ready, worthy and truly grateful for those blessings and promises.

LET ME SLEEP FOR SANITY'S SAKE!

It has happened. Olivia has discovered how to break her parents down most efficiently. Deprive them of sleep. She won't let me/us nap in the daytime and she won't let us sleep in the nighttime. She fusses about going to bed, tries to avoid napping in the day. She fits, she attempts to negotiate. She is going crazy because she isn't getting enough sleep and I can't efficiently think up a creative way to get her to sleep on such a fuzzy sleep deprived mind. I have never been sleep-deprived before this, in my whole short 3.75 yrs of parenthood. This is not fun.But trials are our greatest ally, right? I think I can, I think I can.

Laughingly though, last night Olivia woke when Sam and I were going to hit the sack early (10:30) to hopefully get some rest to deal with the nights un-festivities. She wouldn't go back to bed. So, Sam made her stand in the middle of the living room in one spot. She couldn't wasn't to move from the spot until she said she'd go to bed and miraculously she didn't move from the spot. Sam and I sat on the couch in front of her, ignoring her, while she fitted, hollered and tantrumed and gave one another massages with our magboy magnetic massager. Sam said that was his favorite form of punishment yet :)

I am considering video taping her with our new digital camera while she is throwing a fit and let her watch it, I wonder if that would deter her...yeah right.

Both girls are SUPPOSEDLY napping, I just put O back into her bed for the 4th time in the last hour. We'll see how long I get to nap before she wakes me. I give it 12 minutes. I am praying for an hour. Then, on to dinner prep and putting her to bed a whole hour earlier in hopes she will go to sleep earlier and get a good night's rest and not be so behaviorally challenging tomorrow. A mom can dream, right?

Champion bed maker of the world!

Olivia came into our room this morning and said, " I made my bed, Mommy!" I went in to discover a very well made bed, specifically for her age and that its a bunkbed and bunkbeds are hard to make! It is moments like these that make you realize that your children really are listening to you when you teach them things. In other Olivia news, she gave her 3rd talk in Primary on Sunday. She did a great job, she loves to give talks, scriptures and prayers. It was the first that Sam wrote and helped her with and they made a great team. He had her speak on how the Savior washed the disciples feet and how if we loving serve others, we will be happy.

And if it offend thee...

CUT IT OFF:) So, Olivia cut her hair several months ago, she gave herself a bang-like poof in the front of her head. Well, she also cut it in the back (her hair was up in a bun). So her cut made it long on the sides and short in the back, which really didn't look bad but it made for more tangles. So,about 2 weeks ago Sunday, I told Sam we should trim it so it was all one length. I had no idea it'd be so short! It was past her shoulder's. After church that Sunday, Olivia went into the bathroom to potty but was quiet too long, she had mentioned that she didn't want her hair short anymore...

Well, I went into the bathroom only to find her cutting her hair AGAIN. She cut a nice chunk off the sides. But it isn't too bad and is covered up by a headband. Anyway, that is my firstborn, Olivia the super hairdo curly Q.

Olivia and I

I figured I ought to post a picture of myself on my blog. This is one of me and my oldest daughter, Olivia. Its one of my favorite recent pictures of myself and it shows how long her hair was before we and then she cut it recently.

In the Beginning

This afternoon, I was walking down my hallway marveling at all the thoughts of my heart. This week has been a very full one. I am feeling my heart and mind swelling with many things to ponder over. There are thoughts to organize, impressions to understand and counsel to obey and apply so I may learn and grow; that my perspective may be clear and truth made manifest.

So, I begin my blog by explaining its title. It is me. I am Joy Who Supplants Bitterness. That is what my whole name, Latisha Jacqueline-Marie, means. As far as Enthusiasm goes, I found out yesterday at Education Week at BYU that enthusiasm means "God within". Always having been an enthusiastic person, I loved the meaning and realized, indeed, that my love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ, is ultimately where my enthusiasm does comes from.

I am excited for this blog, for everything I will be able to record about my feelings, experiences and memories. And so it begins...