My lucky number is 4

And today my firstborn turned four years old. It is official. Our baby years are over. My brilliant, intelligent, energetic little lovey is a KID. It is shocking. Where did the time go? This time last year I was snuggling with her for our first night together and now she is sleeping in her big girl bunkbed, that she made this morning, and wearing 4T sleeper pajamas. This little girl has brought me so much joy and a myriad of opportunities to become better. There have been moments, specifically in the past year, where I wasn't sure I was the right woman for the job of raising her and I thought I would go insane. And there have been moments where tears have clouded my vision because of the love and joy that comes from being her mother, from just observing her discover everything around her. She takes my breath away.

I remember when she was about a year old and we just locked eyes and our spirits spoke to each other. There was a recognition, a confirmation that in no uncertain terms that we were supposed to be together. That I was to be her mother and she, my daughter. Olivia is a gem. She is so bright and tender. So intuitive and strong willed, so loving and sincere. She is a powerful spirit. I pray that I will guide her in goodness and wisdom throughout her life, that she will always know of her majesty and divinity. That she will look to her Heavenly Father always, that she will love her Savior and apply the Atonement in her life. That she will know and feel that Sam and I love her immensely. That she will recognize truth and that she will live it.

Today was a neat day because we spent about 30 minutes, writing and spelling words. She'd ask me how to spell words like "volcano", "gooey geyser", "mermaid", "cookie" and so forth. I would look at her as she writing and she was so grown up. I cannot believe that she is four years old. It's a whole new chapter we are beginning and I am so grateful to be apart of it. My cup runneth over. Oh wow, I have a four year old.

GOOD DAY!!

Good days exist and I am living proof. I have wondered what ever happened to the good ole days and today I had one. I started off the day with some special time with my husband, read some scriptures, said my prayers...oh and lest I forget..BOTH OF MY CHILDREN SLEPT THRU THE NIGHT! The kids woke up happy. They ate breakfast happy. I did oversleep my 5:45am tennis appt but I did some Turbo Jam and all this tennis playing I have done the past 2 mos has brought me into good condition because the workout was MUCH easier than I anticipated. We played with friends. Olivia happily came when it was time to leave friends house and was very cooperative in getting ready in the morning.

I have had a goal lately of my daughter to bed at 6:30ish pm. But that goal in mainly contigent on my starting dinner at 3pm, I have noticed when I do this I ALWAYS get things done for the day..when I do it later than that..well, I don't. So, I made a new dinner dish, Tepanyaki Special, began preparations for dinner at 3pm. O didn't nap but remained happy. Sam came home and took the girls out for a drive and some hot cocoa at this work. I finished dinner and we sat down and ate at 5pm. The girls ate their dinner and it was a pleasant dinner. I decided that chocolate chip cookies were in order. While I made them, Sam washed dishes!! Without my asking!!! We all danced, played and sang to music while we baked cookies and the dishes were washed. The girls were in their pjs by 6pm and we all watched 30 min of a Cinderella (Brandy version) and ate cookies.

Then we read books and scriptures and the girls went to bed. Maia was asleep by 7pm and O tried to fight it (in a pleasant way) but succumbed to sleep by 8pm. So now, I need to go do some quick tidying so I can read a book in bed and then go to sleep at a good hour. Nothing extremely special but it was a beautiful day!!

And just to explain the pictures, they were taken today while we were playing in the kitchen. My children are so tiny they fit in a medium sized stockpot! They are delicious enough to eat though huh?

Life shock

I am beginning to see how truly crazy life is-for EVERYONE. I remember hearing an apostle-I think it was Elder Eyring who once said in a talk that we ought to treat one others as if they are going thru a crisis in their lives because chances are that they are. This is so true. I was having a particularly challenging day yesterday and as I frequented the some online boards I am a part of I saw myself, my feelings and similiar experiences thru the expressions of other women. We are all going thru the same thing. This surprises me, but its not any wonder, generally speaking we deal with the same challenges and opportunities to grow everyday.

That said, I am blessed. My husband loves me. I love him. We love our children and they love us. We have food, clothing, shelter. We love the Lord, we feel the Spirit in our home, we know and live the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are healthy. We even have many of our wants despite having a meager income.

After listing all these life essentials it sound ludricrous for me to say that I feel like I am just struggling or drowning in my life. I love my life and beyond any improvements that would make it easier, if I had all that I have now for the rest of my life we'd be just fine and very happy. But I just can't seem to get control of my surroundings. I do feel the strength of the Lord but I am going thru my reality sort of shell-shocked. Tired and in a fog, still functional technically speaking but I just can't seem to get control and that is what I need. I guess I just need to keep giving my best, after all our best in combination with our faith in God is all we can give.

She was right

I have this friend named Sarah. She is a midwife and a wise, resilient, sincere friend. A few weeks back when I asked her how she knew I wouldn't suck as a doula. She told me that I was what they needed, not all my fancy skills or knowledge (not that they are all that fancy or extensive..lol) But I am finding she was right, however my journey is just beginning. But the first mom I was a doula had her baby a little over a week ago and I learned that lesson that Sarah told me, that I was what she and her family needed.

She did beautifully with her Hypnobabies and didn't need me much at all when I expected her to need me but there were times whereI was with her for about 7 hrs in the first time she went into labor and Sarah's admonition rang true. After that first time with her family where I took care of them, served her childrenin addition to the mother and the father. And when I came back for the real deal, the kids remembered me and welcomed me like a family member and I knew that in that moment I was supposed to be there.

My second mom went into prelabor this morning, I have been worrying about being a doula in a hospital, my first was a homebirth with the midwife that delivered my second daughter. Ironically, I had been prompted to lay out my clothes and pack my bag last night and when they called at 4:30 this morning I was ready. Again ironically, we were sent home (although those hours of labor turned her posterior baby so they were very significant and productive) but again I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I was needed because of who I am, not because of a class I took.

So, I am learning alot in this process. I have kind've been nervous and on edge about being a doula but the Lord is gently preparing me and teaching me things about myself in this stage of my life that are so important for me to know. I am where I am, as a mother, a wife, a doula, a sister, a daughter and so forth for a reason and I need to remember only to be who I am. To be true to it, to stand in my majesty always. I have struggled so much lately as I feel like I am relearning how to be a mother to my almost 4 year old. She has been challenging me almost to my detriment,at least that is how I feel sometimes, but I am trying to absorb the fact that if I am supposed to be with these women and men while they bring their children into the world then I am supposed to be with this daughter of mine because of who I am also. I just have to hold on fast to this realization. I believe this is extremely important for me to soak in and own. in. I still have processing to do but anyway....

I just wanted to thank that wise and kind Sarah for her words, they are becoming a significant part of me.

Give said the little stream

This primary song comes to mind when I think of my role as a mother and housewife.

“Give,” said the little stream,
“Give, oh! give, give, oh! give.”
“Give,” said the little stream,
As it hurried down the hill;
“I’m small, I know, but wherever I go The fields grow greener still.”
Chorus Singing, singing all the day,
“Give away, oh! give away.”
Singing, singing all the day,
“Give, oh! give away.”
2. “Give,” said the little rain,
“Give, oh! give, give, oh! give.”
“Give,” said the little rain,
As it fell upon the flow’rs;
“I’ll raise their drooping heads again,”
As it fell upon the flow’rs.
3. Give, then, as Jesus gives,
Give, oh! give, give, oh! give.
Give, then, as Jesus gives;
There is something all can give.
Do as the streams and blossoms do:
For God and others live.

Is it any wonder that we are so extraordinary as women? We are in the business of giving. It is what we do. Sometimes its hard, sometimes it feels as natural as breathing. Sometimes we try not to give of ourselves in the hopes to reserve something for ourselves. But ultimately it is in the giving that we do receive. It's in the giving our precious time to the Lord that we are filled to have the ability to give. It is in the giving of our faith and hope that we receive blessings and are fortified. I've been marveling at women around me, we give so much. It is inspirational. It makes me want to give more, knowing that if I yoke myself to the Lord that the giving won't be a burden and that I will always have enough to give.