One Month: In Love and in Limbo

Paisley is one month old today. Hmmm, I love babies. I love the newborn stage and I just want to dwell here in this time for a good, long while. I sit here writing, knowing I probably won't post this tonight but it is 11:19--the exact time that she was born. I am still so in awe that she is really here. It is like being in the hazy quiet time between sleep and awake. I am starting to awake to my life with her in it. It is delicious. I love it. I ADORE having four daughters. It makes me want to have five.

The juxtaposition to that is that I also feel like I am in birthing limbo. I wonder what will come next. Is there is another Creamy Baby Hunt to come? How will that birth be? Will I be able to do it? I feel like I am a bit of an enigma. A birth enigma. Either that or I am extremely well rounded when it comes to birthing. Where do I fit? What do I do? I do it all, I suppose. However, with all that comes uncertainty.

What I do know is that I am ok. I am really good, in fact. Both in body and spirit. I can smile in the face of uncertainty, be positive and I know that the Lord sends us angels, both seen and unseen, when we need them. So, limbo or not, I am grateful for said angels and the Spirit who guide me thru.

Giddy Obsession

In February, my friend, Kris, recommended Masterpiece Classic's newest version of Emma. I did care for the Gwyneth Paltrow version so I wasn't optimistic that I'd like this version either. Holy Moly was I wrong. I am obsessed. I can't stop watching it. I admit it is all because of Mr. Knightly. I don't know what it is about him but I am having my first movie star crush in my 32nd year. Actually, I think it mostly the character and not necessarily the actor but he is just so good, so kind, handles Emma so well and he is a intuitive tenderheart to boot. No macho or bravado. Just good manliness.

I appreciate that in men. This is likely why I fell in love with Sully on Dr. Quinn as a teenager. Mr. Knightly also reminds me of my Sam and since his is at the very top of my list of the most incredible men ever, it is fun to watch a historical romance and be reminded of my honey. Time to unpause it and get back to swooning. I really should be napping but....

She couldn't stay in there forever: Paisley's Birth Story

(My sisters and I all pregnant at the same time! February 27, 2010)

Sam decided on Sunday, February 28th that he wasn't going to work on March 1st. I tried to convince him to go but he just didn't want to go back to work without my having had the baby. March 1st came and when I woke up, I was still pregnant, 42 wks along exactly. We got ready for the day and Sam told me to call Suzanne to check in.

I called and she greeted me telling me she was just about to call. I filled her in on what my body had been doing over the weekend. What she said next kind of surprised me. She asked how I felt about her breaking my water that day. I told her it was something that I told myself I would consider when she brought it up. She said,"I think it's time for you to have this baby. She's fully gestated. It's time." I agreed with her and she told me to come in a few hours later.

I told Sam and he kicked it into gear. We had about 3 hours until we had to leave and he had the girls in the van in less than an hour. He is not one to rush or be rushed but he was READY for me to have a baby.So, we loaded up and planned to stop by the cannery on the way to pick up some wheat and oats to restock up on our food storage.

We were only about 15 minutes into our 45 minute drive when Suzanne called to say that another woman had gone into labor and that she didn't dare break my water and have two client in labor at the same time in different cities. I was still in denial that it was actually going to happen that day so I took it in stride. I told Sam and although he didn't say anything he was clearly frustrated with the turn of events.

We went to the cannery anyway and later in the day, Suzanne called to say that she would be in town the following morning for a conference and that she would stop by during the lunch break to break my water. I kept this news on the down low. I didn't want to tell anyone in case it didn't happen.

She called Tuesday morning about 11am and told us she was on her way. She and my doula, Pamela, arrived, we got things set up, Mom and the girls went out for a day on the town and then Suzanne broke my water at 11:45am. It was lovely and clear, it was quite pleasing to know that Paisley hadn't passed any meconium. I was dilated to 5cm at the point. I had been a 7cm a few days earlier but her head wasn't low enough to maintain that. She told me to call her when I went into labor and went back to her conference.

My doula got settled in with a good book while Sam and I had a talk and went on a walk. I asked Sam what his prediction was. He said he thought I'd have the baby between 11 and midnight. I hit him and said ," No way! She should be here around 7:30 pm!" Sam called Michaela's birth time last time. I was sure he'd be wrong this time.

Nothing much was happening at all so around 3pm, Suzanne came back to give me some homeopathics to help kick things in gear and my doula went home to make us some dinner and be with her family until labor started. It was so nice to be home alone with Sam. We watched some HGTV and Cosby Show while things started to pick up around 3:30pm.

By 4pm, I was pretty sure things were definitely on course. The contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart and 1 minute long. Sam turned on my Hypnobabies and we found a comfortable position for me to labor in.I fell in love with my Sammy all over again. His presence was incredibly soothing and enpowering to me. I'd lean forward into him from a sit squat position and just go limp in his capable arms.

I felt incredible. It was so peaceful and almost reverent. I still couldn't believe that we were actually going to meet our Paisley that night. Around 5pm, Sam called Suzanne and our doula and told them to come over. At that point, I had to completely go into my birthing mind and let my body take over.

Pamela arrived about 20 minutes later. She praised me for doing so well and reminded me to let my brow and face go limp during the birthing waves. I hadn't realized I had been furrowing my brow. I was so focused on letting my entire body and mouth be loose and limp that I wasn't paying attention to the rest of my face. She asked me if I wanted to birth downstairs. I didn't know. The plan was to birth upstairs in my room. But I didn't want to move, much less walk up the stairs.

We went upstairs. I wonder how I managed that. I got comfy on my left side on my bed and used my hypnosis to turn "off" and let my body labor. Sam would put his hand on my shoulders and help me deepen my hypnosis. His voice was my anchor and it nurtured my strength and resolve to be peaceful. Pamela reinforced my hypnosis and peace by holding my foot, pressing into the small of my back (I think) and reminding me to relax my face.

I started to shake and shiver. Suzanne arrived around 6pm, I believe. I was 7cm. I was surprised to not be complete. I labored for a while longer. Sam left the room for a few minutes to eat something. Pam took over. She was wonderful. The contractions became stronger. I felt a great deal of pulling low and in the front. I started to use my "Peace" cue to direct my anesthesia there. I needed others to say it outloud with me. I remember starting to feel frustrated. I was well composed and others praised me for that but I felt like I was on the edge of losing my composure.

Suzanne checked me, I was at a 9. I won't lie. I might have said the "d" word under my breath. I let the frustration go, focused on peace and went back to my hypnosis. At that point, my mom and the girls came home. Suzanne asked if it was ok that they were there. I said as long as I couldn't hear them, that was fine. At that point, it was dark. I think it was 6:45pm. They turned the light on in the hallway to have enough light to see by and so I could still labor in my dark cocoon. Suzanne checked me a little while later. There was a bit of my cervix left. Suzanne suggested laboring sitting up on the birthing stool and then try pushing past the rim while she held it up and out of the way.

The last thing I wanted to do was sit up but I really wanted to have Paisley too. I kept visualizing pushing her out and how wonderful it'd feel to hold her in my arms. Sitting up increased the powerful sensations down near my pubic bone. I really did not care for it...at all. Everyone kept reinforcing my peace cue. I had them all chanting "Peace..peace". Pam reminded me to relax my face. I asked to her please stop telling me that. Sorry being all sassy, Pam. ;)

They gave me cool cloths for my forehead. The rim was still there after a short while so Suzanne held it back while I pushed. Let me remind you that I have to make myself push. I don't get the urge to do so, I don't find relief in pushing and it is a bit of a mind over matter issue for me.

I screwed my courage to sticking point and PUSHED. The good thing is that the pushing decreased those powerful sensations. I pushed and pushed. I let out a yell. I had so much energy welled up inside and some of it came right on out of my mouth. My mom said she was startled when she heard it. She said that Olivia asked what that noise was and she told O that it much have been the TV.

I was tempted to feel bad at losing my composure but thinking about it I needed that outlet of expression. Sam says that in a way it goes with my personality. I express my emotions verbally, some things are meant to be dealt with quietly and some things aren't. Like I said, I was working so hard at trying to stay focused and putting my mind and energy to pushing that there was some extra that I couldn't quite negotiate and it came out in a birthing momma roar. I'm cool like that. What can I say? Where else can I roar, besides a BYU football game, and have it be ok?

Suzanne told me that I was such a good pusher. I still want to ask her if she was just saying that to encourage me. I remember asking her if the baby's head had come down. She said it had a bit but not enough to hold the rim back. This is where the notorious birthing time warp entered.

I think Suzanne had me labor sitting up around 7pm. We did that for a while. I asked her to show me how big a cm was. She did and I envisioned my cervix opening twice as much.We we pushed for a bit (it seemed to go by fast) and then Suzanne said that we should go back to my favorite position and let me rest for a bit and try to get rid of the rim. It felt weird to walk, so Sam picked me up and put me back in bed. It was 8 something at that point.

I got on my favorite left side. They listened to Paisley's heart tones again. They had been doing that very regularly the whole time. Her heart tones were not their normal on that side, they were dipping, in fact. They had me turn over. They just had me rest and labor while they listened for many contractions. Her heart tones came back up. Things seemed to be different though.

I asked Suzanne what she thought. She said Paisley was fine but that her heart tones were not good on my left side. There were fine on my right. I asked if we needed to go to the hospital. She commented on how this labor was different from the others. I agreed. I asked if she getting caught up on the cord maybe. She said it was possible but that her heart tones weren't consistent with that scenario.

She told me and Sam to talk and pray about it. They left the room. We prayed. We felt fine about going to the hospital. Nothing urgent per say but that it was a good time to go. They got everything ready, my mom came in. "I'm going to the hospital, Mom" I said. She packed a bag. Suzanne called ahead to tell them we were coming in. I told her to tell them to have my epidural ready.
I asked for a headband to help tame my wild tresses. That headband did it's best but it had a big job. They put a robe on me and we were out the door. I didn't have shoes on. The walkway was cold. They covered me with a blanket once I was in the van and we were off. Mom stayed with my girlpies and Suzanne led the caravan. Sam drove and Pam rode with us to be with me. It was 9:38pm.

I found a good groove of dealing with the contractions in peace while we drove. I smiled big to greet each one to release any endorphins, then I breathed deeply 2 to 3 times and imagined Paisley and myself being in sync, being peaceful and being happy. We were there before I knew it. We loaded me into a wheel chair and up we went to labor and delivery.

I got all gowned up, they hooked me up to the monitors. A couple nurses came in, I asked their names and looked them in the eye and smiled. They smiled back. Laura and Maryanne are good at what they do. They asked me to roll over and move around alot to get that reading on Paisley's heartbeat. They were ok on my right side. They worked to get an IV in. It took them 6 tries. I was deep in my hypnosis cocoon. I would smile to greet each contraction, breathe deep for my baby and I swaddled us in peace.

They kept saying how they knew it was uncomfortable and no fun to be poked but that they were trying to get a line in. I told them that needles didn't bother me and that I wasn't uncomfortable. I didn't want any suggestion of discomfort. I was in my happy place and I wanted to stay there. James, the nurse anesthetist, finally got the iv going and they asked if I wanted an epidural. I said, "Yes."

James gave me my epidural around 10:30. I leaned into my Sam. He was so comfortable and I felt secure against him. I remember the last contraction that I met with a smile. Soon, the strong upward pulling faded away. It was odd. All was still even though I could still feel my body working diligently at opening. They laid me down and Paisley's heart tones dropped. They were not good. They did internal fetal monitoring to get the best reading on her hearttones. Suzanne got another call from a mom in labor. She said goodbye, I told her I loved her.

You would think I would start worrying at this point. I could hear and see that the baby's tones were not good. Suzanne says she remembers thinking, they better section her fast--this was before anyone voiced anything about it.

I just felt calm. I remember breathing deeply for her. I remember focusing within, having an inner conversation with her and listening for any instruction from the Spirit. I felt comfort and peace. I knew she was going to be just fine. I let the nurses do what they needed to, I asked questions and I focused on what I could do make Paisley feel safe.

Things stabilized. Her heart tones were acceptable but not awesome. I told the nurses that I really wanted my placenta. Maryanne said no. Laura said yes. They left the room. Laura came back in and said that Maryanne was a great nurse but she was the charge nurse and a by the book follower. She told me that I could have my placenta. I thanked her for her willingness to be my advocate. That it meant alot to me. I prayed for a young doctor that was awesome.

My tangible answer to a prayer walked in a few minutes later. Dr. Layne Smith shook my hand, said hello and checked me. He said I had a stubborn rim. He said that what he was wanting and hoping to do was to give me pitocin in hopes to move that rim but that since my contractions were already really strong that he was concerned Paisley wouldn't respond well to ones that were stronger. I agreed. He said he found c-sections "distasteful" that he never does them unless it is necessary. He said that in our case since that rim wouldn't move and Paisley's heart tones weren't great that he'd like to do a c-section while things were stable.

I looked at Sam. He nodded. I said, "I think you're right." He said, "Ok, let's get you your baby." I told him that I had one request. He asked what it was. I asked him for my placenta. He said,"Sure." "You promise?" I asked. "I promise", he said. He assured me again that he wished that we could avoid this c-section but he didn't see another way.

I knew that. There wasn't another way. This was the best option. That was when I remembered fully that I had a thought and a feeling right after Olivia was born that my 4th child might come via c-section.
So we were on our way. Sam and Pam came with me. Dr. Smith walked with us as well. I asked if he was doing the c-section. He said,"Yes." We got in the OR. James, Laura, Dr. Smith and a pediatric nurse were there. They made sure I couldn't feel anything and the c-section got underway. I told Dr. Smith that since he was in there that he could take some excess skin off my belly. He told me he hears that alot. There was some pulling, tugging and stretching and VOILA!!
Paisley was born at 11:19pm. FINALLY!! She was perfectly pink. Her apgar's were great and she had the sweetest little cry. She weighed in at 8lbs 2oz and 20inches long. "You totally could have pushed her out!", Dr. Smith said. They brought her over to me and when I felt her soft, puffy cheeks I was overcome with excitement and joy. I couldn't believe that she was finally born. That I was finally meeting her face to face. I couldn't contain myself. I started crying and I couldn't stop.
Pamela said that my crying made everyone else in the room tear up. Dr. Smith leaned over and asked they were tears of joy. They were indeed. I was so excited! I asked how long she'd be in the nursery. The pediatric nurse looked into my eyes and said,"You really want her as soon as possible don't you?" I nodded. She said she'd get her to me as soon as she could. She told me that she looked great, that she just wanted to check her glucose levels and warm her up a bit. I was holding her within 45 minutes I believe. That is better than the 2 hrs that they said it could be when I asked before the surgery.

They fixed me all up and we chatted for a short bit in the OR. He told me that there wasn't a reason that he could pinpoint why Paisley's heart tones kept dropping. There was no cord entanglement or prolapse. My placenta looked healthy though mature. Ah the mystery.

They told me where my placenta was and when we could come get it. Dr. Smith was worried that someone might come in and wonder why it was there and chuck it. He really didn't want that to happen. My doula asked if she could take it. He said she could. He told me he'd be in to check on me in the morning. I said,"Thank you." Everyone told me that I was the most calm and pleasant patient. That was nice.
So yeah. I had a c-section. Can you believe it? It was an unexpected change of plans, to some degree, but it was a very good experience, nonetheless. I can't complain at all. I was surrounded by wonderful caregivers who were gentle, kind, competent and respectful. I got my yummy Paisley and the chance for a 9 day babymoon in bed afterward. Sam waited on me hand and foot so I could take all the time I could to heal without having to do anything before he had to go back to work.

My husband, friends and family have taken phenomenal care of me. I feel tremendously blessed. And this is what happened on the day that my Paisley Breanna-Kay was born. Her arrival fits her 3-2-1-0 countdown style birthday. She kept us waiting and counting down to her dramatic entrance for sure. We are so happy that she is here and all of us are in love with little dumpling pie. In all honesty, we STILL marvel that the waiting game is over.

Sam's Girls

Beyond Expections: Reflections on the Birth

Hi there! I won't be on much at all over the course of the next week at all but since I got to come downstairs tonight to watch Biggest Loser, I wanted to get on and give a quick update on us. We are doing sensationally. Paisley seems to find this world agreeable to her. We all are finding her incredibly agreeable. Can you believe it has been a week since she was born? I can't. I find it very surreal to look back and remember what was happening at this very time only 7 days ago.

I should get around to writing the actual birth story soon but let me just say that there was so much peace among all the activity. There was never a moment where I felt fear, worry or sadness. I was initially concerned to hear that first "Oh Tisha, I am so sorry" comment because...I am not. At all. I can't even begin to know where to go back and find some regret to unearth. I think alot of people had their hopes high for my birth because I had progressed so far at the outset. They expected such a fast birth and those expectations were definitely settled on sandy foundation.

Ever since Olivia was born, I have always had a thought that my 4th birth might end in a c-section. I think that played a great role in my mindset in all this. There was no hard and fast reason as to why she needed to come via c-section. My doc says that when there is no reason they blame the placenta. But even still, it looked really healthy despite its maturity. There was no cord entanglement or prolaspe at all. My doc was surprised when she came out and said," You so could have pushed this girl out."

Olivia was 8lbs and 2 oz too. My gut is that my placenta just wasn't supplying sufficient oxygen to Paisley at the very end when the cx were so strong and close together. Thus the drop in her heart tones during contractions. There was a bit of my cervix left that wouldn't allow me to push Paisley's head down enough to hold it back. I think Paisley was enjoying her pre-earth life so much and wouldn't even be pushed into this life. She had to be lifted out as my sister-in-law says.

Many people say that all that matters is a healthy mom and baby. I don't buy that completely. For me, it is the experience that comes with getting that healthy mom and baby. Fantastic birth experiences can be had whether things go according to plan or not. The Lord drops bits of joy along the way for each of us. I am really satisfied with how things played out. My doc was SUPERB. He gave me my placenta w/o batting an eyelid. He wants to work with me in the future and told me to call him when he can recommend me to his patients as a doula.

I can't believe I did it. There were so many times that ppl would tell me how well I was doing and I would think I was only moments away from losing my peace. But then I would commit myself again to resting entirely and recharge by soaking in the stillness when the last cx was over. I got into a rhythm of smiling to greet each cx, breathe in slowly and deeply twice while repeating my Hypnobabies cues and let my subconscious birth while my conscious took a backseat.

The c-section was the best and right decision for us. It was surprisingly peaceful. The people in the OR were so gentle and kind to me. They cried with me as I cried tears of excitement and joy when I first saw my Paisley pie. They gave me what I wanted. They gave me things that I forgot I wanted. My doc told me that he'd make sure to do the best incision for a successful VBAC.

They chatted with me after the surgery as if we'd known each other for longer than the hour since we first crossed paths. I remember one of the nurses saying that she looked perfect and confirmed the fact that they wouldn't have to keep her in the nursery long at all. She looked in my eyes and said," You want her as soon as possible don't you?" I told her I did and she got her to me as fast as she could. It was good ya'll. It wasn't what I planned but heck I got out of some pushing (you all know how it's my least fave part) and the pushing that I did do at home taught me that even though it may not be my favorite that I can do hard things and still feel peace.

I am recovering well. Enjoying the down time. Feeling upbeat and positive. Moving around really well and Sam is officially the coolest because he singlehandedly prepared and encapsulated my placenta. Paisley did want me as a mom afterall so I am feeling quite relieved. She is scrumptious, low key and pleasant. She gave me some sweet smiles today. Ok, this ended up not being so quick. This time last week, I was just meeting my doc and he was doing everything he could to prevent a c-section when I had already moved onto the next option. I feel so blessed.

I've been out of bed for 3 hrs now and I miss it. Miss Paisley and I will return after we've enjoyed the longest babymoon we can manage for ourselves.

Her stats:

Born: 3/2/10
Weight: 8lbs 2 oz
Length: 20 inches

She has lots of dark hair and looks mostly like Maia but is all herself as well.


It's 11:19 exactly. Happy one week birthday, my Paisley!!

Beyond Expectations: Day 14

March rolled in as a gorgeous spring day. I like March. I am glad I get to have a baby this month. I am still processing the day so I am not sure where to start or what to say. How about I just report that I doing well. I feel good. My body is so kind to me. I am still pregnant and that I am so grateful for the encouraging words I received today. I got one phone call that really touched me. She offered something that I would never expect. She is a busy mother of five young children and her offer was a completely sincere and selfless one. It pierced my soul. It made me want to be better. It made me feel loved.

She offered to me what I feel the Savior himself would have offered in that moment. I already knew that the Lord sent her to me. She truly has been an answer to my prayers already. Today, she was a angel sent to remind me that I will be taken care of as I transition into this new increase in motherhood. That even though Mom leaves early on Friday morning that my sweet friends around me will be here to be the hands of the Savior, as my mother would have been.

I have learned that we don't always get exactly what we want when we ask that but that doesn't mean we should lose faith in having to wait. It reminds me of that scripture in Psalms 27:14.

14 ^aWait on the Lord: be of good ^bcourage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: ^cwait, I say, on the Lord.

That last line Wait, I say, on the Lord has been running thru my head alot these last few weeks.
The Lord is constantly answering other prayers that we have asked for previously and even when we have forgotten what we asked for in the first place. He even gives us blessings that we don't ask for. It has been quite a day. I am sure that tomorrow is bound to be quite a day as well.