On the morning of August 31st, I had an appt with my midwife, Suzanne. I was one day short of being 41wks and I was dilated to 2cm and not effaced. All was well but Suzanne said, "Not looking like any baby today". Later on that afternoon after having a nice nap, I was sitting on the mauve lazyboy in the living room watching a "What not to wear" makeover show on Oprah. As the show was coming to an end, I shifted my weight and felt a slight ripping pop. In my mind I said to myself, that is exactly how it felt when my water broke with Olivia. I looked at my sister Tempest and said, " I think my water just broke". I stood up and walked to the bathroom and gushed the whole way. I called my sil to let her know; she was gonna have Olivia and Tempest over while we had the baby at home. She said she'd be there in 45 min or so. I called my dh, he left class. I called my mw and she said to call her when things got serious. We had plenty of time to do some cleaning, well Tempest and Sam did. I just sat on the pot while I continued to gush amniotic fluid...seriously I didn't know I could have so much fluid. :)
Kaylee came to get Tempest and Olivia and they went out to get some dinner for Sam and I. Our house was clean, quiet and peaceful. I was in heaven. Sam had PaPa John's pizza and I had half of a turkey bacon avocado sandwich from Kneaders. At about 9pm, I could feel things picking up and I told Sam that we should go get some rest and do some hypnobirthing. Things started to pick up after that about 9:30 and I was well on my way to having my second daughter. Sam was WONDERFUL. I really wanted to us to be a fluid team in this birth and it was everything I had hoped for.
For the first couple hrs, I sat on the birth ball and leaned forward into his lap while we did hypnoborthing and we kissed and smooched a little bit. It was really a special bonding experience, the positive energy was very tangible. I, then, decided that sitting upright on the toilet while hugging Sam made the contractions seem more "productive". It was great because Sam would prompt me to let go and release and I did. He would hug and squeeze me and I would go limp in his arms. I then felt like I wanted to throw up so I got on all fours in front of the toilet, so I could be close. It was funny because when surges came I would say outloud to myself, "I release and let go" and then I would relax on leaning forward on a birth ball in between contractions. It was like I was bowing before and worshiping the "toilet gods"They were getting more and more intense and I would start to shake and tremble with the power of the contractions and I wanted to get into the water.
So, Sam called Suzanne about 12:30ish. She got there about 1:30m, I was at a 4cm and about 50% effaced. I was happy, 4 being my lucky number, I felt it showed lots of promise. I labored sitting and hugging Sam on the toilet for a while longer because I felt so productive there and I didn't want the water to slow me down. I threw up and felt very relieved.I tried to get into the tub but the temperature was off and so I labored for a while longer outside of the tub, while they warmed the water. I was soothed a great deal on all fours while Sam would apply pressure to my right shoulder and say deeper, deeper..prompting me to go deeper into relaxation. I was really proud and pleased with myself at staying on top of the contractions, I even did many w/o Sam being there and that made me feel confident, even though I really wanted and was depending on his strength. I finally got in the tub about 2:30ish. I was at 5cm.
The water was nice and soothing. But getting into the tub changed things a bit, at that point Sam was getting tired and I wanted him to rest up so he wouldn't get too exhauted to be there for me later. I had him turn on my hypnobirthing tapes and he told suzanne some of the things that he did that I was responding well too. My recollection of time at this point gets really foggy. I labored well in the tub but had to ask for what I wanted and as things got more intense, that was frustrating for me and I started to get cranky. Suzanne checked me and I was at a 7...transition and boy was it a transition. Nothing anyone did was right and a contraction hit that just bowled me over. I was disappointed with myself for losing control after being in control for so long, Suzanne would tell me what to relax. Relax your left leg, relax your left hip, but I was tensing up more and more. I started to snap at Sam, at one point I remember him saying something to the effect of "relax, don't tense up" and I said, "don't tell me what NOT to do, tell me WHAT to do."
I think it was about 4:30ish. Another contraction came and I left loose a nice LOUD yell. I was freaking mad and frustrated. How in the heck could I lose it and how in the world was I ever gonna find whatever it was that I had lost? I told everyone to shut up. I was sick of being told to relax, I was sick of the stupid analogy of staying on top of the "wave". In my mind, the only thing that would help me relax was an epidural. I remember saying it was a shame there was no such thing as a homebirth epidural. I continued to yell, whine and tense for about 30 min according to Suzanne. I tried to scream to drown out the pain deep in the front of my abdomen, but it didn't work. A voice within told me to not to tense that it would only delay full dilation. I asked and pleaded with Suzanne to do something, wasn't there anything she could do? She was so calm and rational when she said she was sorry but there wasn't anything she could do make it stop. Her wisdom and calm annoyed me. I asked Maia to help me get her out. Sam tried to put his previously all powerful and comforting hand on my shoulder and I told him not to touch me. I remember beginning to ask the Lord to please help this be over soon, but I got the distinct impression that was not what I was to ask for. I felt alone. Noone could do anything for me. How in the world could I do it? How could I get thru it?
I kept saying outloud "I can't, I can't" and something very small yet deep within me responded vocally, "I can". It was a verbal battle. "I can't!!" a small trembling cry "I can". I told Suzanne we had to go-meaning go to the hospital. "We are going right now, right now!" She said, "Let me check you first" I was at an 8. Suzanne asked if she could call her apprentice Brigotte, who I love and adore. I said "fine whatever", but I didn't want her to see me all unglued. I asked for the MagBoy magnet, I told Sam to turn on my birth affirmation tape. I began to run the magnet over my belly. Something had to be done about the pain I was feeling low in the front of my uterus. I started saying my hypnobirthing scripts outloud to myself. "Go in the control room, find the dial for your uterus, turn in DOOOOOOWNNN. I started to moan loudly. TUURN it down MOOOOORE. Turn it down some MOOOOOOORE. Turn it OOOOOOFF. RESSSSST." Over and over, I would say moooore, reeeeest, turn it down mooooore. It seemed like forever. I was gaining much needed composure back. My uterus still hurt low and in front but I was in control. I was afraid to lose control again. I had to stay in control. I remember thinking it had been long enough. That if I had to do this much longer I might lose it again.
I told Suzanne she had 5 secs to check me. I was at a 9. I resumed my "rest, turn it down, more, rest" tantra while running the magnet over my abdomen. I asked for hot water. I liked the hot water on my belly. I communicated that. I opened my eyes after a while wonder how they were pouring water on my belly to see my sweet favorite Brigotte pouring a larger tupperware measuring cup on my belly. I was disoriented. I had thought I was still in the water but apparently I had been moving about back and forth on my side in the fetal position and was facing the opposite direction than I thought I was. I saw dawn light thru the blinds and the beautiful lavender curtains in my daughter's room. I got mad, wasn't it time yet?
It was just after 6am. I started to push, not because I felt the urge but because I had decided Maia should be out. I told her it was time to come out. I overcame the urge to curse. Suzanne kept asking me if I was feeling pushy. I told her I didn't know and to stop asking me questions. She checked me, I was complete but had a rim. I was on my side floating in the water, trying to get past the discomfort of pushing but it hurt and I was getting annoyed again. I yelled, who freaking cared if my upstairs neighbors heard? My hips and back hurt, I got a cramp in my hamstring from tensing. Brigotte pushed on my knees, which helped alot while Suzanne massaged my low back and hamstring. How that wonderful woman could take such abuse from and me then care for me and continue to love and believe in me was overwhelming. I asked her why it hurt to push, she checked me.
The rim of my cervix was coming ahead of the baby's head. She said I was gonna hate her but she had to push slip it back up over the baby's head while I pushed. It hurt, I told her to stop. I was mad, I was done! I told her to stick her fingers in there and do something...lol. She asked me if I would be willing to get out and get on the birthing stool. I said yes, Brigotte went to get that ready in the living room. When they were ready, they asked me if I was ready. I remember looking into Suzanne's eyes..she still believed in me. It was a challenge.
I stood up and marched down the hall into the living room. "It's cold, I am cold!" I whined. They covered and warmed me. Sam sat behind me in a rocking chair, I sat on the birth stool in front of him. I pushed, Suzanne put my feet on her legs as she sat in front of me. It opened my pelvis. Brigotte slipped some socks on me. I pushed, she tried to keep my cervix up around the baby's head. I felt pressure, I told her I was pooping, she said, "oh good" in a very chipper voice. It was as if she were the poop loving microbiologist instead of me. I felt the ring of fire, I greeted, I knew what that meant, I was crowning, the end was coming soon. Hooray for the ring of fire, my spirit was revived, that stool helped me focus my power downward. I got praised for good pushing. Suzanne asked if I wanted to touch the baby's head-something I LOVED doing with Olivia, I said no. Didn't she know I was busy pushing? I felt a pop, the head is out, is the head out? Maia's hand was up by her face, just like Olivia's had been. Suzanne told me to push more gently, "yeah right, let it all tear I thought, I don't care, I am done" but I obliged and pushed more gently. The cord was around Maia's neck and as her body was coming out Suzanne was still holding a bit of my cervix up and back. She was out, relief swept over me. It happened so fast, I sat on the stool at 6:45am and Maia was born September 1st at 6:51am. I knew immediately that she was much tinier than Olivia.
I found out a while later that she was 7lbs 6oz and 21inches long. I kept saying over and over again how I could not believe I did it. I trembled and whimpered in joy, relief and elation. She nursed perfectly from the get go. I had a minor superficial first degree tear that didn't require any stitching or glue and I haven't noticed its presence at all.
I got my homebirth. I didn't bleed at all after Maia was born as I had with Olivia. The placenta came out fast, Sam cut the cord and we were soon situated all snug in my wonderful bed. This birth was powerful, healing and harrowing in many ways. Will I homebirth again? I am pretty sure I will, am I at all nervous about facing that the fact that I might lose it again..yep absolutely. I am still processing this whole experience.
Sam, Suzanne and Brigotte are so proud of me. They say, yes, I lost it for 30 min out of 9hrs and 56 min, but that I should be so impressed with myself that I "found" it all on my own. Suzanne said it was amazing to watch me just choose to be in control again, that I did it all on my own. Her belief and faith in my ability did more than she realizes. Sam called me a trooper, that I should be way more pleased and impressed with myself more than I am. That he is proud. Brigotte says it was as if I was giving birth to myself that is was precious to behold.
Throughout this pgcy, I have felt like I have had to face and overcome my personal demons and weaknesses. To rely not on the praise of others but rely on my testimony of who I am and who it is that I am to become. I have felt the Lord give me opportunities that I have felt were too much for me but they were given to me to give me the opportunity to grow. This birth fit very appropriately in this season of my life. I have learned that even though things seem and feel impossible, they are only if impossible if I think they are. Do or do not, there is no try. There is no chance, no fate, no destiny, that can circumvent or hinder nor control the firm resolve of a determined soul. I am grateful for the experiences that I have been purposely given to show me the measure of my determined soul and it was worth every pain to have the most blessed prize of Maia Catherine-Hope Hunt and I believe it is no coincidence that her name means "Mother of Pure Hope "
So, that is what I wrote this time last year. Ever since Maia was born, I refer to her regularly as my tender mercy. She reminds me on a constant basis of the goodness and mercy of the Lord to me. She has strengthened my testimony that children come into their families for a specific reason and at a specific time. And my Maia has literally brought the meaning of her name in full force into our lives. My cup truly runneth over.
